Reason #5027 why it’s overwhelming to be a parent

Disclaimer: this is not a sponsored or informative post. It’s just for fun… 

I bet no one ever thinks of this one during pregnancy. But once the baby is here, it aaallll starts!

THOSE DAMN WIPES! If there’s one extra thing you need making your head spin.

In this day an age the wipe situation is just ridiculous. There are wipes for everything. Wipes for baby’s face, wipes for baby’s face full of boogers, wipes for baby’s hands, wipes for mom hands, wipes for baby’s butts, wipes for pacifiers, wipes for your boobs (not sure about this one). There are wipes for cleaning your breast pump, there are also Lysol and Clorox wipes which you will immediately start using after having a baby, if you already aren’t – because of course, babies need to live in sterile houses (but the real reason is – Ain’t no body got time for any kind of deeper cleaning, right?). You see, this is why my diaper bag is ridiculously huge. Because what if we’re at the park, and my snotty kid needs a diaper change and then wants a snack (that’s at least 3 different kinds of wipes right there!). And I don’t want to be a bad mother! I love these guys! What if I’m depriving them of something by not using the right kind of wipe in the correct place during the appropriate scenario? I’m sure this is somehow linked to IQ and sexual performance later on in life. They’ll blame me forever!

There should also be “public transportation” wipes. A long time ago a friend of mine told me she took the bus to work, now – this was not anywhere near SF, so my face reflected my surprise. She rushed to tell me that it was a fancy kind of bus, not the “hepatitis” bus. So – clearly these wipes need to be able to handle at least hepatitis.

Going on a plane wipes, riding the bus with hobos wipes… Fast-food restaurant wipes, ball pit wipes (those are just a separate category of killer clean)..

This is why I can never participate in those “what’s inside your diaper bag” things – firstly my bag is HUGE and full of crap and I know you’re all going to judge me for the lack of cute chevron-covered containers. And secondly – what if I don’t have every proper kind of wipe? I’m sure you’ll judge me for that too!!! =) Because no matter how many mom-blog articles are going to circulate on facebook about “oh, let’s stop judging!”, that’s all we ever do! We judge each other to make ourselves feel better because we are sure someone is constantly judging us. Am I right?

And then men come into this whole situation, and they can’t tell a butt wipe from a forehead wipe and they just make our heads explode with their one question of – “why does it matter?”, and you’re all like – “but, but.. I spent all of today’s naptime on amazon, figuring out what kinds of wipes we need!!!”. That’s what men do, huh? No respect for the plethora of baby products!

Oh, and if you want to talk about your basic baby wipe – for the diaper changes – there’s a bajillion of those too. And if you look any deeper into it (maybe this is just because I’m in California.. ?) – you can never use the regular baby wipes because they’re part of a conspiracy theory designed by the government, laced with chemicals, meant to make your baby dumb..

You know what my mom used to do? (And her mom, and her mom and…) If the kid had a dirty butt – you stuck it under the faucet and washed it clean. The end. But you see – in California we’re currently in a crazy drought. I guess that’s why we need all these wipes. Now it’s starting to make sense!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.