Monday update

First off – Niko’s birthday was so perfect!! Just wanted to again say an enormous thank you to everyone that took part!! And even though there was no real trained monkey, or man in yellow suit, or someone dressed as Postman Pat delivering all his gifts, or a real firetruck taking him around the block (yes, I seriously entertained all of those ideas and then some) – I don’t think he could have had a better day!

Unfortunately – all that just makes this week that much harder. He’s got new scans on Wednesday. And if before I was confident and looking forward to seeing progress – now I’m queasy and increasingly stressed out…
And then the scans are going to turn into his next round of chemo – we asked for it to be moved up a day so we aren’t going back and forth… If last time was any indication – he will be miserable for at least a week after.. :( and this time we are also doing something different – Luka is getting bigger and harder to contain in a tiny room, and he won’t be allowed in the hospital when Niko is recovering from his transplant (which is expected to be about 6 weeks) so – Luka is staying home, at least for the most part. And I will be coming home at night, and going back in the morning.
Which means that for the next week (and then for those 6 weeks) every minute of every day I will be actively choosing one child over the other… And I don’t really know how to do that.. :( it’s like – if you could only have one – heart or lungs – which one would you take? There’s no right answer… Also doesn’t help that he is teething and has some serious separation anxiety.

Besides all that – Niko is doing great! He has a job now – he is a responsible, full grown 3 year old adult after all. Today was his first day. He gets to sort the silverware from the dishwasher into the drawer. And for his first day, his performance was remarkable! ;)


  1. Jeny

    I just wanted to tell you that, while I know it feels like choosing to you, in reality it is you making the sacrifices that come with motherhood and the situation you have been dealt. I spent weeks in the hospital as a child and my parents did shifts because I have an older brother who couldn’t stay there. Sometimes things just have to be done that way in order to accomplish the ultimate goal, which is the health and well being of Niko. They will not hold this against you and you shouldn’t hold it against yourself. You have their hearts as much as they have yours and you earned the name Mom and do so every day in all the impossible choices you’ve ever had to make for them. Chin up and cape on, supermom. You have all got this and all my positive prayers thoughts and wishes for you and yours as you make your path through all these things. Hugs

    • Thanks Jeny!! It actually wasn’t so bad.
      Niko adjusted to the change well, and we’re actually thinking about having me and Luka stay home full time when Niko is getting his radiation treatment – there will be the added spin of – if I do go see him – I’ll have to stop breastfeeding since my milk will be radioactive, albeit slightly but – who knows how much a tiny baby needs before something goes wrong… Thank you for your continued support! I still often think of the message you sent me – with you being there if I need to “dump out”. But – whenever things are crappy, I never want to say them out loud because – I guess I want to leave as much room as possible for hope..

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