I feel like I promised you some profound paths to happiness a while back… Sorry if I’m letting you down! The truth is – there’s nothing profound about happiness. I’ve always believed – happiness is all around you, you just have to learn to stop and look. But I’ve also been a very hard realist. For example: when we adopted our first dog over 7 years ago, and I got to take this tiny puppy home – I thought to myself – one day I’m going to have to watch him die, and I will be very very sad (and I got sad then too), but until that day – we’re going to be very very happy to be together.
Staying true to my character – during my first pregnancy, I told myself: there is a real chance that this won’t end well for the both of us, given the statistics (you see – when I tried to take statistics, I dropped it before the final – it kind of goes against my life philosophy and moral code – even if there’s only a 1% chance of something happening – and it happens, which it could and stuff like that does every day – does it really matter what the percentage of it was?). So I was prepared for the best – with all the fancy strollers and painted nursery walls, but I was also a little bit prepared for the worst – knowing that I would have to pick myself up of the floor and telling myself that I would be capable of doing so if that’s where I had ended up. And I think this helped me not panic when our delivery got rocky (or maybe there are some special hormones released just for that?). So – when we received the news that Niko was sick – I prepared myself. I told myself there is a higher chance of having to pick myself up of the floor this time. And I thought about how sad I would be. And how many things would make me sad and how I might try to cope with them… Would I be able to live in the same house? Talk to the same people that were around in this previous life? Would I even want to live anymore? And if not – how long would it take me to find myself again…
While this is a really really depressing exercise – I feel like sometimes my mind does it on it’s own for lots of things, without even mentally verbalizing the disasters I’m playing through – because if you say it, it somehow seems a little more real. And for those few moments I really feel that loss and that panic and despair. And it makes me sooooo happy that I am not living through those moments right now! That everything is fine, and here we all are! But actually having gone through our experience – made me see how thin the fabric between the two universes really is. Between the wonderful now and the awful what if. Nothing really changed, we all live under the same conditions. But being aware of the bad helps you notice and truly appreciate the good.
So – when it has been an awfully long day, and my feet hurt from stepping on legos and washing dishes with food that I’ve made that nobody wanted to eat, and I’ve got two not-so-tiny humans fighting over getting to sit in my lap, and I feel a gasket about to blow, I turn everything off, and I look at them, and I think – I am so glad you are here! Here for now and for the greatness of your future. And this frustration, and all the cups of cold forgotten coffee are all a very small price to pay for giving you life in the – making your own choices, being an adult, impacting the world kind of way.